Regret
by myss-naughty
Summary: Returning after the trial Remy is Surrounded by a hostile environment and seeks a release from his suffering. This is from Logan’s point of view and should be read after Catalyst. This story contains potential Remy and Logan Slash (you have been warned!
1. Regrets an'

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* * *

Title:** Regret

**Author:** lil-myss-naughty

**Fandom:** X-Men

**Pairing:** Remy LeBeau (Gambit) / Logan (Wolverine)

**Rating:** R

**Status:** Complete

**Archive:** Please email me

**Important:** This story contains regret, depression and touches on male/male relationships, if you don't agree with any of these subjects don't read – Simple!!

**Disclaimer:** These characters are not mine, they belong to Marvel Comics, I make no money from my stories, I just borrow Remy, Logan et all for my pleasure. Set in my unique universe though may touch slightly on the Marvel timeline.

**Summary:** Set after the trial in Antarctica Remy has returned to the mansion. Surrounded by a hostile environment he seeks a release from his suffering. This is from Logan's point of view and should be read after Catalyst.

* * *

Regret...

It has a nasty habit of sneaking up behind ya when ya least expect it an' biting ya square on the arse... Hard.

M'long life's been full of 'em.

Likening 'em to blackened, rotting vines they've been enveloping me since I can remember, digging their long, poisoned spikes deep into m'skin, drawing unseen blood an' until recently I've always managed to break free from their stranglehold. But now they've changed, mutated, these vines, these feelings are somehow different an' they've been growing stronger an' stronger with each passing day since I returned from Japan.

Since I found out what went down after that damn trial in Antarctica...

Never noticed it at first was mixed in with all th'rest, see one thing ya gotta understand about me is that I've been living with various forms of pain all my life an' I've always coped with whatever's been thrown at me. From being experimented on in the Weapon X project ta having my Adamantium extracted by that scum Magneto, ta losing everyone I've ever loved in one form or another...

Brings my thoughts back to Remy.

As the stench of betrayal enters my lungs, obstructing my airways I find myself unable to breathe. It's imaginary of course, but to me it's as real as night an' day, light an' dark, the contamination seeping off of th'other X-Men is slowly killing me.

Excusing myself from the dinner table I vaguely hear the noise my chair makes as it lands heavily against the tiled floor in my haste to get out of there, I vaguely hear the hushed voices of the other X-Men who are no doubt asking themselves what my fucking problem is. T'tell ya the truth I really hope none of 'em come after me t'find out why 'cause it's becoming increasingly difficult t'live under the same roof with Scott an' the rest, see it's getting to the stage where I'm having trouble repressing the desire ta gut every single one of 'em who left him behind.

Assholes!

Putting as much distance between me an' the rest of the team I unconsciously make my way down to the lake at Spuyten Devil Cove, it was one of the few places outsiders such as Remy an' I could meet up an' spend our free time together without being under the scrutinizing stares from the rest of the team, now it's my only refuge.

S'funny how life is sometimes...

As though losing all control of my body I collapse into a dishevelled heap at the edge of the old wooden dock powerless to stop my forearm sweep over the side as it misses the deck an' my hand connects instead with the lake, my fingertips sending ripples out onto the otherwise calm waters.

Gasping for breath I let the tears flow freely down my face listening to them splash rhythmically onto the wooden panels before they are drowned out by my sobs which wrack through my tired an' aching body.

I don't care who sees me, I'm past caring what other people think, but it's too late for recriminations... Too late for anything an' I'm left with regret again, regret that I never told him how I felt, regret for constantly putting it off thinking that there would always be tomorrow, shoulda known different, especially in our line of work.

S'all I need, more regret...

Never tol' no-one this but unbeknownst to th'others I went looking for him, spent hour after hour, day after day up to my knees, sometimes my waist in sleet an' snow searching for Magneto's lair but by the time I'd found out what had happened the barren landscape had reclaimed what was left of the structure an' Remy with it.

When finally all hope had bled out of me of finding him alive I found myself sitting right on top of where Cerebro had pinpointed the last known co-ordinates talking to the kid as though he was right there next to me, just like we used to do. The scary thing is that I could imagine him sitting right there beside me laughing, joking, telling me everything would be all right.

But it won't. It will never be all right.

Not now he's gone.

Letting the unrelenting snow blizzards cover me till I merged into the background, I'd hoped that I'd succumb to the cold but this ol' body just keeps on going.

Fucking healing powers.

I wanted ta die... Perhaps I still do...

I think I'm a jinx, for everyone I've ever loved has been taken away from me in one way or another, Mariko, Silver Fox an' now Remy...

Taken away from me before we'd had a real chance at happiness an' at the hands of those we'd once called friends. Silly thinking this way really seeing as I never told him how I felt... What would he have wanted in an ol' man like me anyhow?

But a fool can dream.

As the sun slowly descends I finally drag myself up into a sitting position, the tears long since dried by the warm breeze. Cricking my neck to release the pain from being in the same position too long, I admonish myself for being so foolish, he'd never shown any sign that he thought that way about me or that he even knew how I felt he about him.

Lighting a cigar I've come to the hard realization that I can no longer call this place home, we used to be a team, one big comparatively happy family an' we never left our people behind, old fashioned principles though they may be it's one I've always lived an' survived by.

An' this is why I can never forgive...

Rising awkwardly I stretch to drive out any further aches an' pains from my tired body before I start making my way back up towards the mansion determined this time to finally leave...

* * *

Throwing the last o'my clothes into the tattered rucksack which has seen better days I marvel at how little I actually possess for someone of my years, did I always subconsciously intend on never sticking around an' if that's the case what made me stay for as long as I have done?

Staring at the empty wardrobe before me with my arms outstretched on either door I contemplate when the cover of darkness comes whether to leave from the front door or sneak out the back, I've already left Jubilee a letter on the sideboard explaining why I have to leave an' justifying why she can't come with me, enclosed in the envelope is another one for Cyke an' the rest telling them not ta come looking for me under any circumstances, not if they know what's good for 'em of course.

Closing the doors I pick up the last of my treasured belongings, namely my Katana an' a silver framed picture I keep on my bedside table of Remy, Jubilee an' I taken, if my memory doesn't fail me on one of our many camping trips in Canada. I sigh deeply for those were happier times.

Staring down at the photo I hesitate for a brief moment before quickly slipping it in ta m'backpack, for I know that if I reminisce over what was I won't ever be able ta leave an' I no longer belong here.

As I begin to buckle up the pack with my thoughts still caught in the past I'm brought rudely back to Earth by someone knocking frantically on my door, quickly stowing my stuff under my bed with great agility, after all I don't want my little secret let out yet do I, I spin round just in time ta see Jubilee poking her head round th'door, her face flushed with excitement.

Thankfully she doesn't mention seeing me hide the rucksack, nor the fact that my room looks decidedly sparse, well more than usual anyway.

"He's home Wolvie, Storm's brought him home!"

An' now I understand why.

I don't need to ask the exuberant Jubilee who the 'he' is that she's referring for no sooner than that door opened not only could I feel it in my gut, but my enhanced sense of smell picked up on a waft of that wonderfully exotic and highly erotic aroma of his that always managed to drive me wild with desire.

Steeling myself against the bed frame I try to slow down my heart as it begins beating so ferociously I'm afraid it's gonna jump right outta my chest an' the adrenalin I've got coursing through ma veins, through my very fibre is exhilarating. So much so in fact that I have to re-arrange myself when Jubilee isn't looking.

Closing the door to my quarters behind me I follow Jubilation down the stairs to the entrance hall, distancing myself from the rest of the team I keep to the shadows an' stand silently watching the façade before me unfold.

I watch as those who left Remy behind in Antarctica greet him back with open arms, telling him what they think he wants to hear; that all is forgiven, that they are sorry they left him behind an' that they're glad he's alive, but for a second or two those beautiful eyes capture mine making my breath catch an' I can see that deep down, he too knows that this is all a farce.

An' my hard-on returns with a vengeance.

The one question I have to ask myself is what has made him return to the mansion...

Because I know that if they had left me behind this sure as Hell would be the last place I'd come back to.

Not one for public displays of affection as they make me feel uneasy I make a mental note to visit him later when all the fuss has died down.

An' without saying a word I slowly turn away an' make my way upstairs to unpack an' take a long, cold shower.


	2. Solutions

**Title:** Regret

**Author:** lil-myss-naughty

**Fandom:** X-Men

**Pairing:** Remy LeBeau (Gambit) / Logan (Wolverine)

**Rating:** R

**Status:** Complete

**Archive:** Please email me

**Important:** This story contains regret, depression and touches on male/male relationships, if you don't agree with any of these subjects don't read – Simple!!

**Disclaimer:** These characters are not mine, they belong to Marvel Comics, I make no money from my stories, I just borrow Remy, Logan et all for my pleasure. Set in my unique universe though may touch slightly on the Marvel timeline.

**Summary:** Set after the trial in Antarctica Remy has returned to the mansion. Surrounded by a hostile environment he seeks a release from his suffering. This is from Logan's point of view and should be read after Catalyst.

* * *

Standing beside my bedroom window I stare silently out into the darkness an' towards the direction of the boathouse. Running my fingers through my sodden hair I can feel the rivulets of rain as they run down my face an' body from where I was caught out in the sudden downpour.

Storm's obviously unhappy about something.

Watching the lights in the distance fade I grab a towel an' dry myself thoroughly before heading down into the lower levels of the mansion.

See I've not been sleeping too well over the past few weeks, too many thoughts running through this ol' head making it impossible for me to attain any peace at all, not that I had much t'begin with.

Instead, night after night I find myself wandering the grounds aimlessly, always ending up down by the boathouse watching him, guarding him, the darkness masking my presence from anyone else who may be out on the grounds with revenge on their minds.

Y'see the kid's made some enemies lately amongst th'X-Men an' I've made it m'personal business t'keep him safe an' sound.

But I don't delude myself, I know full well if Remy had any notion he wasn't alone even with my skills there would be no way I'd be able to conceal myself from him, not with the training he received during his time growing up in The Thieves Guild.

I also know that if he were even a fraction of his normal self he wouldn't need my protection.

But he's not an' any fool can see that.

So why am I the only one who can?

An' why do I still feel unable to go an' see him, at least to offer him my support, if nothing else.

Entering the Danger Room I input one of my personal codes into the keypad, which instantly initiates a pre-programmed simulation accessible only to me. Looking over my shoulder I make sure the door shuts securely behind me an' I am alone before turning back to look at the singular holographic image which has materialized in the centre of the otherwise bare room.

Crossing the expanse I stand before the man I profess to love an' look into those beautiful, eyes of his as they stare coldly forward, showing no feelings, revealing no thought or emotions. For so long I have deluded myself into believing that I can substitute this hologram for the real thing, kidding myself that I can go through the rest of my life not knowing, not experiencing the possible chance of sharing my future with Remy.

If only I could tell him how I feel.

After my fruitless mission to Antarctica I spent every night here, in front of the holographic image of him. My emotions would vary with each passing day, sometimes I would curse him for leaving me, sometimes I would vent my anger towards him for not trusting me, but most of the time I would usually just sit here an' dream about what might have been...

Still been unable to pluck up the courage to go an' see him since his return, it's been over three weeks now an' it's growing increasingly difficult with each passing day an' now unsurprisingly I'm regretting not going sooner.

Simpler to come here t'confess y'feelings t'someone who's unable to turn ya down, 'cause ya don't get hurt that way. However it's a lonely existence an' now all I do is constantly chastise myself for being too weak an' the worst one of all too cowardly.

Sitting before the image I make myself comfortable, for I rarely leave this room until the sun starts to rise in the sky.

I don't know how long I've been sat here but I'm so wrapped up in my thoughts that I don't hear the door slide open, don't hear him enter, the first time I realise I am no longer alone is when my enhanced sense of smell picks up his intoxicating scent, a mixture of spices, bourbon and cigarettes.

With my heart beating wildly I slowly turn my head to look at the lone figure hovering reticently by the doorway an' the first thing I do, instinctively is raise my shields so he cannot read my feelings but by the look in his eyes I'm already too late, 'cause I think he's been standing there unobserved for too long. Besides what with me sitting here staring at his holographic image, I can already guess what he's thinking.

Arising from my seated position I curse inwardly for being too distracted an' mentally modify my shields purposely letting him pick up on just how uncomfortable I am being found in this situation mixing it with a dash of just how much I want him right now an' I watch with amusement as his right eyebrow rises in recognition.

I, however keep a straight face as I slowly begin to stalk towards him, taking extra care not to outwardly show my intentions, for I want, no, need to see how he's feeling before burdening him with the feelings of an' old fool like me.

Don't wanna scare him off just yet now do we...

I'm just grateful for him making the first move, for giving me the opportunity, taking the onus off of me; see I've never been too good at this personal stuff.

Inhaling deeply I can smell his apprehension.

Can smell the despair...

Blanching I never realised just how badly he felt, add that to my long list of things to feel guilty about. I knew I should have plucked up the courage and gone and seen him instead of leaving it too long, giving him the impression that I too didn't care, that I was the same as the rest.

Stopping dead in my tracks my nostrils flair, my eyes widen in shock as the stench of desolation rolls off of him like waves crashing against crumbling, chalk cliffs, overloading my sensitive nasal passages.

I should have known.

It hurts that he's come to me only as a means to end his life.

An' he knows that I know for I can see it in his eyes.

"Is this all ya came for kid?" I enquire as I slowly release the Adamantium claws from my left hand an' extend them fully towards him. "Or do ya want something else?" I manage to add, keeping my voice composed; my heart however slowly begins breaking apart piece by piece.

I'm not afraid to admit it, I'm scared, scared he's gonna actually commit suicide an' by my hands no less an' I know that if he really wants me to do it I will because I cannot deny him anything even if it ultimately leads to my unhappiness.

I stand there quietly watching him, studying him as he stares intently at my claws watching as he reaches out to touch the cold, hard metal his hand shaking, though whether it be from fear or lack of nourishment I cannot say. As his thin, elegant fingers move slowly from my claws to tentatively caress the skin around the Adamantium, I unconsciously hold my breath as I battle to regain control of my traitorous body.

An' I wish right now I knew what he's thinking as I briefly close my eyes relishing the touch of his bare skin against mine.

An' I know that I cannot hide my feelings anymore, opening my eyes again I exhale an' look at him, my eyes catching his as he raises them to look at me an' I know that he can see how scared I am an' in return I can see how confused he is.

An' that's the moment I slowly began lowering my shields.

For this is perhaps my last shot at saving the both of us.

Raising my right hand with the claws retracted, I reach out to him offering him two choices, a release from the pain an' hurt or just plain ol' Logan who will hold him at night protecting him from the nightmares, who'll kiss his tears better an' who'll love him till his dying breath.

As the last vestiges of my shields fade I watch him as he contemplates both options releasing the breath I never realised I was holding as he steps forward an' his left hand entwines with my right sending an electrical charge through the whole of my body an' by he looks of it Remy felt it as well.

"Cher..."

Is all he manages to say as his voice cracks, catching him as he collapses towards me I encompass him with my arms revelling as he in turn wraps his around me an' I know I won't ever let him go, not if he doesn't want me to.

As his legs give way we both slide down to the floor an' I watch intently as he looks up at the holographic image floating before us an' I realise it must be hurting him to be reminded of just how he used to look, but I know with my love he will once again attain his health an' strength.

As he quietly begins to cry my heart finally breaks, kneeling before him I lift up his bowed head an' gently brushing away the few fallen strands of beautiful, silky auburn hair from his face I use the tips of my thumbs to wipe away his forming tears. I wish I could say something, anything to make him feel better, but I've never been too good with words so instead I ever so lightly caress my lips against his before drawing back, my throat constricts at the uncertainty of his reactions.

My eyes widen as he slowly, tantalizingly licks those delectable lips an' I wonder what I taste like.

Saying nothing he turns back to look at the hologram whilst I study his facial expressions an' reactions.

"You prefer de hologram to de real thing non?" He jokes as he struggles to rise, though I know he is only putting on a front, it's his defence mechanism y'see.

"You **are** him darlin'... Nothing has changed, at least not in my eyes." I reply whilst reaching out to help. But he knocks me away.

Through it all he's still proud.

Moving to block the source of his torment I authorize Cerebro to cancel the programme. The computer of course complies immediately.

"Why didn' ya tell me cher?" He asks, it's simple enough question, though the answer is anything but.

God, how do I respond to that?

With the truth I suppose, swallowing through the lump in my throat I wipe my clammy hands on my jeans.

"'Cause ya love Rogue, 'cause ya never showed any interest in me... I've loved ya ever since ya turned up that day with Storm..."

What more can I say?

"Den where were ya when I needed ya homme?" He spits. "Why you not come to de boathouse an' let Remy know dat there's at least on person who be glad he's alive?"

Recoiling from his harsh words I look fleetingly at him before turning away, clenching my fists I dig my nails into my skin trying to contain the anger which is rising inside me.

"I came looking for ya every night after I found out what went down in Antarctica, after those bastards left ya behind..." I say venomously, whilst periodically unclenching my hands. "But there was no trace of ya, no trace o'nuthin'. I couldn't even track ya down with my heightened senses."

Running my fingers through my thick mane of black hair, I turn round on the spot to face him.

"An' then ya returned, just as I was on the verge of leaving th' X-Men for good an' I found my one reason to stay. Every night sneaking down to the boathouse, I was determined ta let ya know I was there for ya, but I couldn't find the words to express myself..." I feel weary, but I need him to know. "S'funny, I'm the best at what I do, unless it's telling the person I love how I really feel..."

My heart skips a beat as he closes the distance between us taking me into his arms.

"I don't wantcha ta ever think..."

I don't get to finish the sentence as he silences me with a deep, passionate kiss our tongues eagerly exploring each other's mouths, wrapping my arms round him once again I begin caressing his back feeling him shudder against me.

"J'taime cher," He whispers as he looks longingly at me. "Remy has always loved ya."

Breathing a sigh of relief I smile at the younger man, who knew he felt like that? If only either of us had spoken up before about our feelings.

"Darlin' ya make me the happiest man alive," I say as our hands once again entwine an' he gives me th'biggest grin I have ever seen. "I love ya; I always wanna be with ya... If ya'll have me of course!"

"Of course cher... Forever!"

Silently I make a promise to myself that no one will ever hurt Remy again for as long as I live.

An' I intend to live for a long while yet.

The End


End file.
